Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
