i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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