he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
