Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
