I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
