do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
