I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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