i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
