we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
