If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
