That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
