im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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