I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You pole danced in your parka.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
