I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
