Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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