On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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