there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
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