Im at strip club and am horny
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
