i may or may not be watching the land before time
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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