Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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