Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
