I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
