Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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