I cannot find my penis.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Two words: blizzard sex
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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