I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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