Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
A+ Viking dick
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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