where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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