adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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