my phone needs a breathalizer
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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