also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
