so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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