he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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