meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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