I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
