He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
