We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize