smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
