nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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