i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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