True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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