Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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