it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
