Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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