I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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