My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
