If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
