i'm signing you up for texting rehab
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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