So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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