fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
