Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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