I faked an abortion last night.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
