cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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