I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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