i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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