Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
