Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
