Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
