omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize