He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
