ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I could fuck to npr.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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