Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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