wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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