So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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