she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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