I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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